But, He's My Dad

Fathers Day 2023 has come and gone. I pray that you found blessings in the day; that you were able to capture some time with your dad.  If your dad isn't near to you, I hope you at least had the opportunity to call or FaceTime him. If your dad is no longer with you, I hope the memories of times spent with him bring you joy. I pray your dad knows he is loved and respected. And if necessary, that your dad knows that he is forgiven.  

The perspective I now offer is one that is difficult to communicate. Nevertheless, I share this part of my story hoping that it might bring encouragement. Because it is my testimony that despite my dad's mistakes, despite his role in broken relationships, despite his selfish choices...he's still my dad. And I made a decision to honor him in this post even when bitterness had filled my heart for years. My dad physically and emotionally hurt me. My dad kicked me out of the house when I was 17, abandoning me when I needed him most. My dad never apologized for his words or his actions. I always longed for a loving relationship with my dad. It wasn't. But, he's my dad.

My dad was a highly intelligent man, an IQ higher than anyone I have ever known. He was well spoken and could skillfully use his phraseology to convince and subtly manipulate others. He masterfully carried himself well among his peers.  My dad thought highly of himself and I suppose many others did too. In my honest opinion he was a walking paradox. Respected by many but at the same time he betrayed others. Whatever thoughts or opinions I had then or have now of my dad, I hold firm to the reality that no one is perfect and despite my dad's faults, he is still my dad. 

My dad died nearly 30 years ago. My relationship with him was difficult, both in the 17 years I lived under his roof and for the most part, remaining that way until the day he died. I don’t recall him ever telling me that he loved me. But I knew that I loved him. My dad was an angry man. He was an alcoholic who frequently beat me with a belt. His directive spoken so long ago still eerily resonates in my mind today, “go to your room and pull your pants down.” There I would wait, anticipating the wrath that was to pour out onto my backside. How bad was it? There were times when my mom had to pull him off of me. In 1970 “spankings” were an acceptable method used to discipline a child and I believed that I must have deserved this punishment. Over the course of my adulthood I put the emotional baggage into a compartment deep down and far from my conscious mind. I now realize that no child deserves that type of abuse from anyone, much less a parent.  Consequently as I’ve unpacked the deep hurt from back then I’m confronted with the reality that the trauma I experienced has profoundly affected my life. It’s taken years of therapy to uncover and deal with the deep emotional wounds that were inflicted on me. However difficult and traumatic, I’ve reconciled the pain and I forgive him...because, he's my dad.

God softened my heart for my dad. I am eternally thankful for that. In the years after I left home at 17, I never missed calling him on his birthday or holidays. He was always welcome in my home and invited to our family functions, because he's my dad.

My little buddy and me.

Herein lies an early hinge moment in my life.  I was faced with a choice as a new father to raise my children as I had been brought up or decide to be a different dad to my children. There is a blessing that came out of these experiences during my formative years. I learned from my dad how not to be a good dad. I chose to parent differently with my children. When I got married I swore that I would never touch them. Over the course of their growing up, I used methods of discipline that were always seasoned with love. I never spanked them. I also made the promise that my children would always hear "I love you" and that they would be affirmed of this not just by my words but by my actions. I acknowledge that I haven't been perfect at it but I was so determined to be everything to my children that my dad wasn't to me. I hugged my children. I pray for my children. I love them unconditionally.  My dad did not. But, he's still my dad. So, I will leave you with this thought. Perhaps by worldly standards my dad didn't deserve my love, my respect, nor my forgiveness. However, the Bible is very clear on this; "Honor your father." In fact, over 50 times in scripture including the fifth commandment this instruction is given. In addition, and as all believers know, forgiveness and reconciliation are the Gospel. My dad scarred me for life. But, he's my dad. And today, I choose to honor him. I forgive you. I love you, dad. Happy Fathers Day!!!

My granddad Gilbert showing me how to mow grass. I was his little buddy.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention my grandfather, my mom's dad. God provided for me a man who I looked up to greatly. My granddad taught me how to fish, took me hunting. At an early age, he showed me how to mow a lawn and to rake leaves. My granddad installed a basketball goal in my backyard. He took me up in a bucket truck to pick pecans in his backyard. I drove a car for the first time at age 14 with him next to me and he let me commandeer his boat; on both occasions I came perilously close to causing an accident. It didn't seem to phase my granddad. He taught me so much at an early age and he loved me. He said it and he showed it. I thank God for the blessing of my Granddad Phillips. I love you, granddad. Happy Fathers Day to you too!

My uncle Donnie and me.

And finally, to my Uncle Donnie, my mom's only sibling. There are no words that could express my gratitude to him. He took me in at age 17 when my dad kicked me out. Over the years Donnie has provided for me in ways that a father would. When I separated from my spouse at age 57 he took me in again. 

Happy Fathers Day to you too. I love you, Donnie.

In closing, and most importantly to my Heavenly Father, thank you for your unconditional love.....Happy Fathers Day!!!

Thought for the week: 

Scripture for the week:  
"Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." 1 Peter 3:8-9

Encouragement of the week:  
"Be the person who breaks the cycle.  If you were judged, choose understanding. If you were rejected, choose acceptance.  If you were shamed, choose compassion. Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you. Vow to be better than what broke you -- to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain." -Lori Deschene

Video of the week:

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Up Next: Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

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Insomnia and "Stay The Course"

 

Welcome to Hinge Moments! I hope you find blessings of encouragement here. Let me invite you to read beyond the story to view the thought, scripture, encouragement, and video I selected to help connect the entire post.

Some people have asked what is motivating me to write and share so intimately my life's story. What would possess me to seemingly invite scrutiny, almost certainly making myself vulnerable to other people's judgement and criticism? In a round about way, it's because of chronic insomnia. I’ve had trouble sleeping since I was an adolescent. I was accidentally shot in the head at age 12 and often physically abused by my dad. Therapists have suggested that the combination of those traumatic events during my formative years likely led to my persistent sleep issues. So, while I’m lying awake some nights struggling to sleep, I often fill my time doing something I love doing, reading and writing.

As I pondered more deeply the question as to why I am opening up like this, I decided to ask a close friend for his honest opinion on the matter. His answer in some ways surprised me and in another, hurt my feelings. He said that I was likely doing so in an attempt to set the record straight about events surrounding my divorce. Perhaps I am subconsciously and selfishly wanting to indirectly retaliate for the pain that has been inflicted upon me. Could it be true what they say that hurting people, hurt people? It seems plausible, although I've never seen myself as a vindictive person. My friend went on to add that he believed I was still trying to process the losses in my life and that writing was probably therapeutic. To this point he was more likely correct. With all this said, in my heart of hearts, I believe the most significant reason why I am choosing to share the highs and lows of my life is because God told me. Track with me on this one. I realize that we all have our varied belief systems about spiritual matters. You may wonder if God really does talk to people. For those who believe that He can, how exactly does he accomplish that communication and through what means? If you’d please indulge me this time, I’d like to describe an event that in my opinion was clearly God speaking to me through other people. I pray you might subsequently come away with a greater understanding and appreciation of this belief that God still speaks to us.

One of my favorite books is titled When Man Listens. It was written in the 1930s as part of the Oxford Group’s efforts to assist alcoholics. It was the precursor to the AA Big Book. The main idea of the book is that when man listens, God speaks. Cecil Rose, the author states that one of the great affirmations of a believers faith is that God speaks. "That is the tremendous fact around which both the Old and New Testaments are built-not that man can and may speak to God, but that God can and does speak to man...through conscience, through reason, through circumstances, or through other people." He speaks. The lingering question is, will I listen?

In the fall of 2019, I had recently become separated from my wife of 40 years and I was struggling with my mental health and an addiction to pain medicine. I was considering returning to a Christian treatment center in Florida but wasn’t convinced at that time that it would help. The mother of my children and I were not really on speaking terms. However, she did send me three separate one line emails in September of that year. Collectively they gave me the nudge I needed to make the nine hour trek back to Honey Lake Clinic in Greenville, Florida.

Her first email said, “Go back to Honey Lake.” The next said, “Stay the course.” And finally, the last one said, “I love you.” Of the three, her saying she still loved me was quite honestly the one that had me packing. I believed that our marriage, though truly on the ropes, was still a lifetime covenant and we’d somehow work it out. As it would turn out, it was the second email and the directive to “Stay the course.” that has held the most meaning. But not because she said it (although it was important) but because 3 1/2 years later God said it to me...several times actually.

And these are the details of the event where I believe God spoke to me and the impact those three words continue to have on me and life moving forward. This past October I began an online Seminary Master’s Degree program in Christian Counseling Specializing in Life Coaching. I had been out of school for 30 years and truly questioned my ability to endure the rigors of graduate work. Climbing that mountain just didn't seem realistic. A friend suggested that I view the mountain much smaller, as if it were a grain of sand. His advice was duly noted. I then reached out to several other friends to come alongside and pray for this part of my journey. 

A few months later, in January of this year I completed my first course. I submitted a 19-page paper as required for my final grade. The second week of the new year brought great relief and thankfulness. I had received a grade of an A+ and was simply on cloud nine. A few days later, I was having morning coffee with my roommate. During our conversation he said two significant things. As a wonderful encourager to me, he remarked, “Scott, great job on the successful completion of your first course” and then he emphatically said “Stay the course.” A rush of memories came back from her words years ago. Chills went down my spine. But wait...this gets much better. My roommate then suggests I reach out to my prayer partners to give them the exciting school update. I decided to send a text to them sharing the news. Five minutes passed and a dear friend who is a Pastor at Honey Lake in Florida replies to me, “Great job, Scott, stay the course!” I was stunned! Had he just repeated the same three words? I promise you that this is a complete and accurate account of that morning’s events. Ten minutes later I received a phone call from one other of my prayer partners. Bobby is a cherished high school friend who out of the gate said that my high school teachers would be so impressed and proud of this accomplishment. And here is the climax of the story, the true God moment. The moment that unequivocally affirms God speaking to me. Just before we hung up, he says in all seriousness and encouragement, “Scott, stay the course!” What are the chances that three friends would offer up the same three words of encouragement while communicating separate and independent of each other within an hour's time? Impossible, right? Well, they say that there are no coincidences in God's kingdom.

Armed with this revelation I realized that there was only one true option for me, to stay the course. To stay focused on Him utilizing the pain of brokenness. To benefit from this time of being sharpened and drawing closer to God. To now use my story to help give hope to others. Although God has said no to prayers for reconciliation, I know my life still matters to Him. My sharing of this story has already produced spiritual fruit.

I want my legacy to be of a redeemed man having a transformed heart. My life now to be selflessly lived in love and service to others. I want the pain of my past to continue to serve as inspiration to help others better know the love of Christ. Stay the course. That’s my mission. “Fall down seven times; get up eight.” That’s truly the reason I am sharing this story. Honoring God because he told me to tell others of his love and faithfulness; despite the storms, despite the disobedience, He never stops loving. Stay the course! I pray this account speaks to you. Because, you matter to Him too!

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Thought for the week:

Scripture for the week: “You're blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God. You’re blessed when you follow his directions, doing your best to find him.” -Psalm 119:1-2 MSG Version

Encouragement of the week:

“The Lord will make a way for you where no foot has been before.  That which, like a sea, threatens to drown you, shall be a highway for your escape.”

-Charles Spurgeon

Video of the week:

Up Next: God Moments

Would you consider partnering with Hinge Ministries in helping others that may be struggling through storms and brokenness within their lives? Hinge Life-Coaching provides a "coaching without barriers" method and makes this help available to all individuals with no fees charged.  Your donations will help make this possible and are greatly appreciated. Click here to make a donation.